Welcome back. If you’re reading this, then you, too, are probably a fan of the best worst new reality show on TV, Floribama Shore. If not — welcome to the dark side, newcomer. We’re happy to have you.
On Monday’s episode of the new MTV series, Aimee, Candace, Codi, Gus, Jeremiah, Kirk, Kortni and Nilsa proved that there’s no shortage of drama — or taco soup — when you convince eight strangers to shack up and spend their summer partying at Florida’s Panama City Beach.
“White people do some weird s—, man”
Nilsa is just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her. Except that boy is Jeremiah, and he’s busy following another girl around: Kayla Jo. When Jeremiah brings Kayla Jo back to the house after a long, boozy night, Nilsa retreats to the (alligator) phone to call her cheating ex-husband. Of course, she’s just jealous that Jeremiah won’t sleep with her, and, as Codi puts it, is being “thottish.”
Codi throws a few nasty, pointed digs at Nilsa — “Maybe you want to buy you some more a— implants, or fake eyebrows?” — but even that’s not enough to stop her from loudly bemoaning Jeremiah’s lack of interest in her while he hooks up with Kayla Jo in the hot tub.
“This thing’s made of steel,” she announces to no one in particular, proudly spreading her legs on the couch and smacking at her lady parts. “He could f—ing beat this s— to the ground. You could put this s— in its grave and it would still be left standing. The autopsy guy would stop and be like, That thing is still alive!”
Poor Kirk is just trying to get some sleep on the other couch. But it’s quickly becoming apparent that Kirk, à la Vinny Guadagnino, will be the voice of reason on this Shore.
“Nilsa, usually, could probably get whatever she wants,” he speculates. “But Jeremiah really isn’t feeling her that much, so I feel like she really is just acting a fool. Straight up.”
Kayla Jo, meanwhile, is 30, flirty and thriving. She loves tattoos, and she bonds with Gus over the fact that both of them have their last names inked on their bodies, presumably in case they get lost. Fun fact: Kayla Jo is also a wiccan, which she claims means she practices the “white light.”
“You do you, boo-boo,” responds Kortni, who, for all her bed-wetting flaws, is by far the least judgmental, most genuinely ride-or-die member of the cast.
Like a couple of college freshmen, Jeremiah and Kayla Jo retreat to his bedroom to hook up, while Gus does the same just one twin bed over with his newfound love interest, Ellen. Gus, inexplicably, has already fallen head over heels for Ellen and is heartbroken when she has to leave for Nashville the next day.
“You’re in Panama City for the summer,” Kirk scoffs. “You’re going to meet a bunch of Ellens, every time we go out.”
The following morning, Kayla Jo wakes up bright and early to pick through a box of spring mix lettuce in the kitchen, whipping up a spinach-only omelet for Jeremiah. And, once again, Kirk says it best: “I swear, white people do some weird s—, man.”
Princess goddess mermaid
If Jersey Shore‘s worst employee was Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino, Floribama‘s is Aimee, who avoids any and all responsibilities that await her as part of the beach staff.
“I dread work every day,” she says. “I’m biting my tongue until I can become a trophy wife, because that is my dream job.”
When he’s in a good mood, Kirk will humor Aimee by calling her a “princess goddess mermaid.” And when he’s not, they wind up at each other’s throats. Their first big fight goes down over a plate of chicken wings, which is as tiresome as it sounds. But to make it up to him — and prove she can pull her own weight around the house — Aimee decides to cook her specialty dish of taco soup for her roommates.
“I grew up super poor,” she admits. “This is like, kind of embarrassing, but I don’t know how to cook fancy.”
Never underestimate the power of a simple bowl of ground beef, Aimee. By the end of the meal, the taco soup has brought the whole house together for some good old-fashioned bonding, and it’s actually quite heartwarming. The fact that it gave everyone the runs afterwards might make it the perfect metaphor for Floribama Shore itself.
Dollar draft beers
Later that night, the roomies head out to Donovan’s for dollar draft beers. The outing winds up being as much of a s— show as the very premise indicates. In between chugging overflowing cups of beer, they pound shots, line dance and befriend the locals. One particular local, however, takes issue with Nilsa.
“You’re beautiful, you just need to stop acting like it,” he tells her, completely unprompted. “You just like, strive for attention. You’d actually get it if you just shut your mouth.”
Nilsa starts crying, and Aimee comforts her. But as the two girls are seated on a bench outside the bar, a local woman begins hurling insults at Nilsa. Kirk jumps to Nilsa’s defense and threatens to beat up the woman’s boyfriend, and within seconds, complete and utter chaos has descended on the street outside the bar. Between random townies, bouncers and the cast of Floribama, fists and limbs swing from every direction — but one person is noticeably absent, choosing instead to watch the scene unfold from a safe distance.
“Jeremiah, you know, he’s home-schooled,” Candace explains. “He don’t see hood s— like this.”
Floribama Shore airs Mondays (10 p.m. ET) on MTV.